Goodbye, forever

27. října 2017 v 19:00 | smartly
Yes, these things happen. One day they are among us, and next day they are gone, forever. And we didn't even have the chance to say goodbye or give them one hug. Now we are really sad, there is so much we would like to do otherwise, if only we had one more chance to change everything. But we don't. It's too late. So many beautiful, sensitive and good people end their lives before they even had the chance to discover the beauty inside them. They died as outcasts: in shame, humiliation and self-hatred. Alone and dreamless. This just hurts. It hurts somewhere very very deep.

It hurts even more when it is a friend whose death was completely premature, useless and avoidable and... fuck, so much could be different if they just didn't DIE...

I feel such a rage when I encounter some blogs or statuses from these emo kids who almost glorify self-harm or suicide as if it was something normal, good, darkly beautiful or even somehow fucking romantic. There is nothing beautiful about suicide. Nothing. Suicide is a horror and horror only. It is ugly, sad and often a real mess too. When I was staring Death right into the eyes, all I felt was loneliness. Terrible, unimaginable loneliness. I felt infinitely small, powerless and deserted. Deserted by all and everyone, even God himself. When you are face-to-face Death, you are on your own.

But I don't flame these emo kids. With steel certainty, that would be contraproductive. They need to learn by their own mistakes. Like all human beings. Words are words - unless you experience it firsthand, it's just dust.

But hey, I didn't know!
If you cared enough, you would.
Now I am not blaming you, or you, or anyone. I am not feeling angry or hurt. No no, this is not what I feel. You may have people in your lives you truly care about. If you do, then I am really happy about it: deep down inside my chest a pleasant warmth is heating me. Because if you do, then this place is not just one big Sahara anymore. Dry, deserted, and absolutely void of all that is precious to me. If you really do, then I am not a lone alien, forgotten here by some cosmic race. Now we are two, at least.

Can they see it? Or are they still looking with their eyes?

There are, however, some rules, that could really help every lone soul out there, if they only knew about them. A Code of suicide, we can call it. I had to develop it all by myself, as, obviously, noone noticed, so noone could point me to it, if it already exists somewhere in the psychologists' books. First of all, don't overdose. Pills are the seemingly easiest way, but honestly, it's not only the most dangerous (of a terrible failure) but also the most pathetic way. Really, are you even serious about it? Because suicide should be a very serious and a very well deliberated decision. Some chaotic emotions can not play a role in it. No fucking way!

If you are going to die, then, baby, you gonna do it the proper way! You go out at night, alone, walking 16 kilometers, you climb the abbyss, reach the top, and from there, 140 metres above the ground, you bend down and look into the eye of darkness, whose bottom you don't see. You only hear the low and steady hum of depth. You then take a stone and throw it into the abbyss. You count. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelwe. Thirteen. Fourteen. Bang. You will be falling fourteen seconds. That is an infinity. Are you ready for it?

This is just one possibility. You can as well drown yourself. The important thing is, that you need to be fully aware of the horror of dying, when you are doing it. Your body needs to be fully aware of it. And you are going to have to overcome it, which you will only if you are really really serious about it. Pills are NOT the way. Pills are cheating.

Now, if you are completely and irrevocably set to do it, and nothing can change your fate, you still don't do it immediately. Life has incredibly strange ways of unfolding itself, and no human is capable of 100% certain conclusions. If you are absolutely devoid of all hope, you still need to be strong enough to endure a "pre-suicide" period. For me, this period was six months from the serious decision to kill myself. This is extremely important to honor, because it prevents you from any emotionally based "I-cannot-take-it-anymore" types of decision. Freak-outs, as M. calls it. And it did. How many times this was the only thing that kept me from going. I had nothing else.
As a small bonus, it also gives you the consolation, that at least you did not die as a complete weakling.

So, here is the 'code'.

And I should also add that suicide should *never* be a means of emotional blackmail,
but I guess everyone >14 or so knows this, right?

Now don't get me wrong. I don't wanna die, like J. does. Unlike her, I am not surviving merely to not harm my family. I honestly wanna live. I wanna LIVE so fucking much!!! I want to do things, to help people, to enjoy and experience life and last but not least I want to change sooo many things that are just so wrong. There is no person in this world with a stronger will to live. But if I am not allowed to live, then I will most certainly die. Don't you think these two things are somehow connected? The sheer power of desire and suicide?

Some things did change since I started counting six months ago. I met people, that made me reconsider - slowly, gradually and quietly, without them ever knowing it. Even though they left from my life as everyone before, they ain't bad people. Troubled, but not bad. I know it. And that is not little. It may not be enough in the long term, after all, people like me aren't really supposed to make it in this world, but right now, I feel strong resolve to... to be here. So, just that you know, I stopped counting.

Goodbye, friends and virtual friends
See you!

. thanks to Zedcreations for a beautiful free stock picture


1 Hrobárova Dcéra Hrobárova Dcéra | Web | 27. října 2017 v 19:11 | Reagovat

What the fuck??? 😱

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