4. července 2017 v 0:07 | smartly |  papaj Popeye
When I got out of the car, there was a long dirt road ahead of me. So far the trees were sparse and the moon had enough shine to light the terrain where my feet were stepping. Then the terrain gradually changed in a more dense forest, the trail became thinner, steeper and soon non-existent. I had to light my headlamp and use a compass. When I finally reached the swamp, it was well beyond midnight. Total silence of the woods was replaced by buzzing of night insects and croaking of frogs. I changed shoes and started stepping into the soft mud. Something crawled nearby, but I didn't mind it. There was no reason to be afraid anymore.

Didn't last long, and my feet were sinking almost until the very top of the shoes, i.e. as far as up to the knees. I reached the edge of a gigantic swampy lake. There was a pack of dry straw grass, which I put together and sat on it to gain more breath. I turned off the light, and immersed into the night. After a while, I saw two small eyes shining in the moonlight perhaps two meters away from me. Then the lights jumped, and were now almost a hand's reach. It must have been a frog. Now it was not moving, just looking at me.

"Ahh, frog! If only you knew. If only you could understand, how lucky you are, that you're just a frog. It is so hard to be a human."
The frog, silent until now, suddenly produced a sound, that totally sounded like 'Whyyy?', even with that question mark at the end. My lips formed a faint smile at that thought. "Okay, frog. I will answer you. It seems like you are a very good listener, and I have noone else to talk to anyway. You know why I came here?"
Am I just imagining it, or does this frog really talk with me? "I came here to do something. In a few moments, I will tie these weights to my legs, and jump into that lake. Never to emerge again."
"You don't believe me, frog, do you? Well, that's okay, you don't have to. But the fact is, that I am determined already. I can't stand living anymore."
"You know, my life has never been normal. Whatever I did, and I tried really hard, trust me, nothing ever changed. If there was magic, then I was most certainly cursed. But there isn't. Noone is going to lift the curse from me. I am just destined for being disappointed. Over and over and over. Every time I desire something, I get punished for it."
"I don't know, okay?! I must be some alien, forgotten here by a distant race long time ago. Because it's not just being different. It's more like being a completely different species. Do you know what I mean? Fundamentally misunderstood, in the deepest emotions and motivations. Whatever I tried to persuade myself about the opposite, I have always been alone."
(Sigh.) "A... and I am getting old now. Soon noone will look at me with desire in their eyes anymore. Just doctors and surgeries and pills ahead of me. If I was alone until now, I will definitely be alone then."
(Really annoyed.) "Nothing in this world makes me truly happy, understand, frog? Or are you a dummy too? I just can get no relief. Not for tiny moment, to at least refuel some energy for the next suffering that will inevitably come. No. Just pain. Mediocre pain and strong pain, one changing another. There is just nothing to live for. Nothing that would substantiate all the suffering."
"I DON'T KNOW, FROG! Isn't that ENOUGH for you?! Do I have a DUTY to live? Can't I be just ONCE selfish? Why do I have to suffer all this? Why??!"

And that was it. The frog just closed its big eyes, turned around and jumped into the water. With a splash it disappeared and never emerged again. Left completely alone again, I submerged in deep thoughts. Did the frog lose patience with me? Like everyone else, it didn't really care. Or am I so stupid and selfish to want to end it once and for all? I felt really bad. Even that damned frog gave up on me. I must be unbearably pathetic.

I was sitting there, helpless, for an hour perhaps. Then I stood up and gathered the weights. And here it occurred to me, suddenly as a lightning out of blue sky. I had been so blind! All the time, the frog was asking me one question, and I was answering a very different one. The question did not stand Why did I decide to kill myself, as I was thinking, giving excuse after excuse, each more grave than the previous one, to support my decision. No. The frog was actually asking me the exact opposite.

Why was I living?

All the years of suffering and tears. And each answer I gave her, only added more gravity to the question: Why? And so it asked, louder and louder each time, growing impatient, until I finally asked it myself. And that's when it disappeared forever in the dark depths of the infinite lake.

I closed my eyes. You could never find a person more focused on this planet than I was at that time. Trying so hard to find a reasonable answer to that question, I was failing miserably. Instead of focusing on myself, I was always thinking how other people would answer the question.

And so I was there, sitting, almost meditating, with closed eyes, for many many minutes, perhaps hours, until, totally exhausted, I fell asleep in a very awkward position. Then, only then, in a dream, came the answer that I couldn't find while awake no matter what. It came totally spontaneously and effortlessly, like only in dream it can:

All my life I was living for a dream.



1 Sili Sili | Web | 5. července 2017 v 10:46 | Reagovat

I have to say that your writings in English have a certain something about them, something ones in your mother tongue don't. As always, excellent work, pal. Your dialogues are remarkable.

2 smartly smartly | Web | 8. července 2017 v 0:19 | Reagovat

[1]: Dialogues^^ Thank you! I heard that learning foreign languages, especially the ones from other language families, makes your brain perceive reality in new ways and thus changes your thinking too.

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