Whyyy

4. července 2017 v 0:07 | smartly
Nasledujúca poviedka je inšpirovaná dvoma udalosťami, z ktorých jedna je sen a druhá reklama. Keďže sny ešte nahrávať nedokážeme, prikladám aspoň tú reklamu. Všimnite si zvuk, ktorý robí tá chronologicky stredná (modrá?) žaba. Podobá sa na anglické slovko 'Why' a bude centrálnym motívom celej poviedky, ktorú som teda musel napísať po anglicky.


Tak a nasleduje príbeh.

When I got out of the car, there was a long dirt road ahead of me. So far the trees were sparse and the moon had enough shine to light the terrain where my feet were stepping. Then the terrain gradually changed in a more dense forest, the trail became thinner, steeper and soon non-existent. I had to light my headlamp and use a compass. When I finally reached the swamp, it was well beyond midnight. Total silence of the woods was replaced by buzzing of night insects and croaking of frogs. I changed shoes and started stepping into the soft mud. Something crawled nearby, but I didn't mind it. There was no reason to be afraid anymore.


Didn't last long, and my feet were sinking almost until the very top of the shoes, i.e. as far as up to the knees. I reached the edge of a gigantic swampy lake. There was a pack of dry straw grass, which I put together and sat on it to gain more breath. I turned off the light, and immersed into the night. After a while, I saw two small eyes shining in the moonlight perhaps two meters away from me. Then the lights jumped, and were now almost a hand's reach. It must have been a frog. Now it was not moving, just looking at me.

"Ahh, frog! If only you knew. If only you could understand, how lucky you are, that you're just a frog. It is so hard to be a human."
The frog, silent until now, suddenly produced a sound, that totally sounded like 'Whyyy?', even with that question mark at the end. My lips formed a faint smile at that thought. "Okay, frog. I will answer you. It seems like you are a very good listener, and I have noone else to talk to anyway. You know why I came here?"
Whyyy?
Am I just imagining it, or does this frog really talk with me? "I came here to do something. In a few moments, I will tie these weights to my legs, and jump into that lake. Never to emerge again."
Whyyy?
"You don't believe me, frog, do you? Well, that's okay, you don't have to. But the fact is, that I am determined already. I just can't stand it anymore. It feels like some Aliens came here long time ago, they let me wander on Earth for a while, and then they forgot about me and flied away to their homeworld, leaving me stranded here forever. Because I feel like an alien here. It's not just being different. It's something totally and fundamentally different. Like a completely different means of communication, not just a foreign language. Do you know what I mean? So misunderstood. And whatever I tried to do to persuade myself about the opposite, I have always been alone."
Whyyy?
"You know, my life has never been normal. Whatever I do, and I tried really hard, trust me, nothing ever changes. If I believed in magic, then I would most certainly be cursed. I am just destined for being disappointed. Over and over and over. It is just so strange and improbable, that I have a tendency to believe in something. Something like a God, who is punishing me for ever having a desire. Do you want something? Do you hope for something? Well, then I have news for you: Baang! That's what I do when you dare to desire something again!"
Whyyy?
"A... and I am getting old now. Soon noone will want me anymore. And my body is showing signs of exhaustion. There are diseases and illnesses on the edge. I can feel it. Doctors and surgeries and pills, a lot of physical pain which I can't stand. I will have to avoid certain activities and live in a certain way, and the look in the mirror will become a depressing experience, and noone will look at me with desire in their eyes anymore. If I was alone until now, I will definitely be alone then."
Whyyy?
"(Sigh.) And nothing in *this* world makes me happy. Not really, you understand me? Like being content for a while. I just can get no relief, not for tiny moment, to at least refuel some energy for the next suffering that will inevitably come. No. Just pain. Mediocre pain and strong pain, one changing another over and over. There is just nothing to live for. Nothing that would substantiate all the suffering."
Whyyy?
"I DON'T KNOW, FROG! Isn't that ENOUGH for you?! Do I have a DUTY to live? Can't I be just ONCE selfish? Why do I have to suffer all this? Why??!"

And that was it. The frog just closed its eyes, turned around and jumped into the water. With a splash it disappeared and never emerged again. Left completely alone again, I submerged in deep thoughts. Did the frog lose patience with me? Am I really so stupid and selfish to want to end it once and for all? I felt really bad. Even that damned frog gave up on me. I must be unbearably pathetic.

Then, suddenly as a lightning out of blue sky, it occurred to me. I had been so blind! All the time, the frog was asking me one question, and I was answering a very different one. The question did not stand Why did I decide to kill myself, as I was thinking, giving excuse after excuse, each more grave than the previous one, to support my decision. No. The frog was actually asking me the exact opposite.
Why was I living?
What for? All the years of suffering and tears. And each answer I gave her, only added more gravity to the question: Why? And so it asked, louder and louder each time, growing impatient, until I *finally* asked it myself. And that's when it disappeared forever in the dark depths of the infinite lake.

I closed my eyes. You could never find a person more focused on this planet than I was at that time. I was trying hard to find a reasonable answer for that question, but I was failing miserably. And so I was there, sitting, almost meditating, with closed eyes, for many many minutes, perhaps hours, until, totally exhausted, I fell asleep in an awkward position. And then, only then, in a dream, came the answer that I couldn't find when I was awake, however hard I was squeezing my head. It came totally spontaneously and effortlessly, like only in dream it can:


All my life I was living for a dream.












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Komentáře

1 Sili Sili | Web | 5. července 2017 v 10:46 | Reagovat

I have to say that your writings in English have a certain something about them, something ones in your mother tongue don't. As always, excellent work, pal. Your dialogues are remarkable.

2 smartly smartly | Web | 8. července 2017 v 0:19 | Reagovat

[1]: Dialogues^^ Thank you! I heard that learning foreign languages, especially the ones from other language families, makes your brain perceive reality in new ways and thus changes your thinking too.

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